Catching and changing common distressing thoughts for parents
Research has shown that our thoughts affect our feelings and behaviors. When we encounter challenges in life, negative thinking patterns can often weigh us down. Negative thinking can lead to painful emotions, which can make daily life more difficult and impact how we parent.
Learning to identify and challenge the thoughts that cause painful emotions can be helpful. When you learn to think about negative experiences (such as a stressful or traumatic event) in more helpful and accurate ways, you will often feel better emotionally and feel more prepared to model positive coping for your child. We can’t avoid all stress, but we can shift our thinking.
Upsetting events can naturally lead to distressing thoughts. These thoughts may be permanent, pervasive, or too personalized and are frequently inaccurate and unhelpful. We encourage you to take a moment and examine your thoughts to see if any of these patterns are showing up for you.
Permanent: A permanent thought suggests that things will never change. However, few things in life are permanent. Things constantly change.
Distressing thought: “My child will never be happy again.”
Alternative thought: “Actually, I do sometimes see my child laughing and smiling, and with my help my child will be able to enjoy more happy times in the future.”
Pervasive: A pervasive thought tells you that something is true for one situation, so it must be true for every situation. However, most problems are specific, not widespread.
Distressing thought: “I can’t trust anyone.”
Alternative thought: “Some people hurt others, but most do not. As a child and an adult, I have seen and known many people who did not hurt others.”
Personal: A thought is personal when it leads you to take too much responsibility for things that are truly not in your control or when it leads you to believe the problem only happens to you. However, many problems are not in your control, and there are very few, if any, problems that only happen to one person or one family.
Distressing thought: “I should have known my child was in danger.”
Alternative thought: “Even experts cannot always predict dangerous behavior, how could I expect so much of myself?”
Another way to tell if a thought is worth challenging is to ask yourself these two questions:
(1) If my best friend experienced this stressful event, would I say to him or her what I am saying to myself?
(2) Would I want my child to overhear me making this statement out loud?
If the answer to either of these questions is no, it may be a distressing thought that you are worthy of catching and changing.
This book offers more information about shifting toward positive thinking patterns, and the University of Pennsylvania’s Authentic Happiness Initiative offers other resources related to optimism and parenting.